This is a question about premature ejaculation. That one. I know it's a common topic but I just can't find where it's covered on your lovely question and answer venture. I've definitely looked. I was expecting to find something under 'psychological disorder' or 'sexual insecurities'... Anyway; premature ejaculation. I'm 28, male (I don't know why I should substantiate this, but feel I ought to), bisexual, fit, healthy, or, healthy most of the time -- I fall under the depression/ mental health bracket -- eat well most of the time, exercise. Besides the impending sense of starting to sound like a complete bore, there are other aspects to my personality, chosen interests etc., edit.
Have fairly recently met a new girl. Great girl. It's going well. Really into one another. I've not been with many girls, but the general gist has been to become very sexually aroused too quickly; to the point that once intercourse starts there is a sense of feeling like I'm going to come very soon. I'm experienced enough to know what to do: slow down, stop, pull out, change position, that sort of thing. I've also had years of masturbation practice to learn how to control myself to a certain extent, but masturbation is a completely different enterprise to that of sex with someone you're really into; the elements of control used just don't work in the same way (one reason why sex is so much more visceral when compared to masturbation, although masturbation certainly has its uses).
The problem is that the tactics just aren't working and it just becomes awkward and problematic to stop and start all the time. It's not just stop and start; it's stop and start. The frequency is the source of the awkwardness. After the first ejaculation, and this is another general comment, things are somewhat dulled and sexual arousal becomes more languid, although one side effect is that my sensitivity once erect again is that much less so as to engender a longer lasting, often more rewarding, bout of intercourse. But, with this girl, once I've come, she quickly loses interest, deferring the position of starting again.
What has been disconcerting is that in my last sexual relationship (although I'll admit the circumstances were entirely different), this issue of the immediacy of coming wasn't present. I feel like I'm going backwards. To elaborate on circumstances, I was in a different place, mentally; I wasn't as physically attracted to the girl in question as I was intellectually, and she was less tight, vaginally speaking. I'll be answering my own question to say that depression dulls the libido, that being physically attracted does make a difference, and that the tightness of the vagina obviously affects the level of sexual arousal. But I've always had a high sex drive; I've always masturbated fairly often; and this has never really changed in my adult life, regardless of my depression.
I realise I'm contradicting myself; it seems that it's the only thing you can do when writing. By general gist, I mean that (at least at first) sexual arousal the first time I ejaculate with someone new, is always fairly immediate. The problem, one problem, that I feel is happening with this (not all that) new girl is that this occurrence (that of immediacy of sexual arousal), is not subsiding given my growing familiarity with her. If anything, it is getting worse; I'm becoming sexually aroused even more immediately. I'm really attracted to this girl, physically and intellectually. I don't understand. I'm too anxious? I'm too self-aware? It has been at least a year or so since the last sexual relationship and there has not been any sex in the interim. In fact, and I know this is an aside, but perhaps it's relevant, it is this history of the 'general gist' that has discouraged me from seeking out sex in the interim. A further complication? I don't know.
I'd fallen back on masturbation, of course; I still masturbate, but am I masturbating too much? Have I trained myself to come too quickly? But what about the previous sexual relationship? We are working around it, there are ways to elaborate, that is to say, bring her to orgasm, but she freely admits it's somewhat annoying. She and I have brought it up in conversation. Sometimes it feels like I have no control at all. Argh! Any advice? I know it's a combination of things and that there's no one solution. I feel I should give myself a suitable moniker. Something like 'fuck!' or 'PE no. 1'. Some such other ridiculing device. I don't know. Probably not the best way to move forward. I look forward to any response you may, hopefully, give.
--Christopher
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Dear Christopher,
Phew! What an email! *smiles* Sorry, I haven't made use of one of your suggested monikers; I don't think you're quite fucked as yet, and Christopher is a perfectly lovely name. As you've pointed out, there haven't been any premature ejaculate questions until now. It certainly is a common issue, so I'm not sure why yours is the first I've received, but yours is a good question for popping that cherry.
The first thing that came to mind when I reached the end of your email was this: Why isn't he masturbating before sex? I'd always thought of that as being the standard first attempt at overcoming the issue of premature ejaculation -- it certainly tends to be rather effective. Have you tried this but forgot to mention it? If you've not tried it; get wanking, son! I get the impression you're able to cum rather quickly from masturbation, yes? So take a few minutes before heading out the door to meet her and do it. Or, if you're at hers, or she's at yours, step into the bathroom for a few minutes and get busy. (Just remember to splash cold water on your face before you leave the bathroom -- you don't want to look pervy when you head back to the living room.)
The second thing that came to mind was this: Why isn't she sucking him off before sex? A good blowjob tends to sort premature ejaculation right out, unless you're a super stud who has a 5 minute refractory period (in which case, let me give you my number...) Tell this girl that she's so sexy and attractive on so many levels that you're temporarily having a difficult time holding your cum. I don't know of any woman who wouldn't find that immensely flattering. Tell her that the best way to combat this issue is orgasm itself -- ask for a blowjob. If she doesn't like giving them, she can take solace in the knowledge that it ought to be quite a fast one, given your current ejaculation time. Failing that, ask her to masturbate you, or ask for a bit of mutual masturbation. Just get your cock waxed before you start having sex and see if that helps.
If these things do help, you'll eventually grow more confident with your prolonged bouts of sex and that alone could resolve your issue to the point you no longer need to cum beforehand. That, and you'll eventually be less excitable as you grow more comfortable with this girl and that should give you greater self-control, as well. Something else that may help is starting off in a different sexual position. Some men find being on their back helps desensitize things a bit. I don't know which position would be best for you personally, but I'm sure you know which positions make you cum immediately. Save those for last until you've got this conquered -- even if you've already cum once; no sense pushing it until you're past this issue.
It's important to note that the previous suggestions are, more or less, coping mechanisms and you will still want to fix this issue at the core. Therefore, this last thing I'm going to tell you is meant to be taken very seriously. Your subconscious mind has been told, repeatedly, by your conscious mind, that you cum too quickly with this particular girl and you can't sort the issue out for some reason. The single most important thing anyone could ever tell you is this: You get whatever your subconscious mind expects to get. Your issue is most likely a psychological one, and that's very good news. Also good news, you have total control over what your conscious mind tells your subconscious mind and you can reverse this thought pattern.
Start (start today) telling your subconscious mind that you have total control over your cock and you never ejaculate until you're ready. How do you tell it this? You just say it aloud, or in your head, every time the opposite thought occurs to you. Say it at least 3 times a day, regardless, and repeat it several times each session with great feeling. (You can vary what you say to whatever you're most comfortable with.) When you start to think about your problem, stop thinking about it as a problem and tell yourself that you've resolved that issue and it's no longer something you worry about. The more you tell yourself these things, the faster your subconscious will believe it, and the sooner you will see those results manifest. If you'd like more info on how that works, the best book you could ever read is Joseph Murray's The Power of Your Subconscious Mind
Best of luck to you!xx Isabella
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